Seeing Red

What did you do?  Eleven years with Philly is a long time.  I thought you two were happy.  Sure there were bumps along the way, but what marriage doesn't have obstacles?  Philly wasn't happy with the No Practice Clause you handwrote in your contract, but she seemed to compromise.  Now, all I hear from the grapevine is that she booted you out the house and cleaned out your closet.  I feel for you.  I guess when there are irreconcilable differences, a decision has to be made. 

So now what?  I hear you won't shack up with Carolina.  She seems nice, although a little needy.  She also has tight purse strings and we all know you like to live it up.  Yeah, that probably isn't a good fit.  Minnesota needs some love.  I know you are attracted to her and why not.  Tall and beautiful in a...cagey way.  Oh, but she hasn't planned well and as much as she wants to be with you...she's already made commitments that limit her flexibility to be with you.  No first round picks to trade for years to come.

I understand Indiana likes you.  I hear you like her back.  I know she looks hot, but her family is rough.  Detroit, Cleveland, and Chicago?  I don't know if you know what you are getting into. They all hate you, did you know that?  In fact, I'm not going to beat around the bush. 
Don't go there.  It will just be a mess.  And I'm not just saying that because the Bulls are my favorite team...really, I swear.  I'm just looking out.  In fact, you need new surroundings and distance...lots of distance.  I know, for some reason, you are not fond of California.  I don't know why.  There are lots of hot teams out that way.

Hey, you know who's nice (and also far away)?  Carmelo in Denver.  I know he's a dude, BUT he does have those nice girly braids you like so much.  You guys would look awesome, skiing those beautiful slopes in Colorado wearing matching powder blue warm-ups and headbands.  Yeah, I can see it, can you?  I think if you make one of those Pro/Con lists, you'll see its the right fit for you.  It's really, really beautiful out that way.  You'd be happy (and far away).

Sincerely,

Shaj316